feeling off

Today I'm feeling a bit off. I just learned yesterday that one of my professors was bugged by how I acted in class. I wasn't looking at the screen-we were learning about powerpoint posters. She was curious about how I could learn. Apparently she said something about "it might help if you looked that the screen." And my other friend had heard it looked at me and I looked happy. Like some innocent fool. I feel so fucking naive.

I had become comfortable being myself around these people and now I just want to hide away from them. Logically I understand that she was upset that day because she was trying to show us her plan for how she organized things and it didn't quite work. She had been getting pretty upset.. and actually took control of the folder (from a coworker) to look for the day. It didn't quite work out. I mean I know she was upset, but she managed to upset me now, by letting me know she was upset with me that day. I was looking at the powerpoint, and at the same time writing information and maybe looking for pictures to contribute towards my powerpoint. But I was paying attention. It's just how I am.

It makes me wonder and hesitate in my actions, what do people think about me if I did this?

It makes me sad, and angry that I've lost that attitude,the one where I don't care what people are thinking about me. Mostly though I think I'm angry I didn't want to face this thought that people might not have exactly positive thoughts towards me. I just stopped thinking about what others thought of me. Anyways gotta go meet with her now.

love

I know you love me, and I know I love you but sometimes I'm not sure if I know what love is. I know I love being with you, you make me happy and sometimes that's all that I can ask for but sometimes I wish out love was passionate, I wish I could drown myself in your love and count my blessings on the way down. Your love would be the vast sky, if I ever doubted you all I would have to do is to look up. Our love would pour right into me, like a huge waterfall filling me to the brim so that if you were even taken away from me, life would no longer have a purpose. I would just dry up and happily die to be with you.

Ah... how sad Twilight makes us all. That, my dears is the danger of twilight, the oh so tempting belief that you need someone else to love you this much to give value to who you are. Why is it it that we are never enough for ourselves? Why must we seek others to validate us? Is it a simply biological need?

Ramblings on my Research

So.... excited I just got my book yesterday! Yay. lol I think I sat there for a good twenty minutes just hugging (and admittedly somewhat rubbing) it against my chest... and squealing. Then I promptly sent a very excited email to the author, who has PhD.....I just hope it wasn't too.......puppyish.

Then I read and read and I just got done with it today. It was a fascinating read but I realize my mind tends to wonder if there's not a story to tell. D:

SO...... yeah just got done reading. Bowman's book examines role playing games through studying the benefits of role playing, problem solving, identity and typologies of role players. What I wanted to do was to emphasize the importance of play for adults and present my information to support the idea of play. I was going to take the perspective of play because I felt that it integrated: role play, pretend play, physical play and word play (story telling?). I was going to talk about the benefits of play, e.g. role playing helps people practice emotions/actions/behaviors, they learn about their world in a safe environment, etc.

Gender was suppose to help me examine it from, roles, I think I want to examine how people construct their gender and the comfort and safety of constructing a masculine or feminine role without misconceptions or judgments or consequences to their real self, because everyone understands this is just a game, this is just fake it's not real. But at the same time it has real life consequences and benefits.

I wanted to examine it from---

I think I have been satisfied by Bowman's book. :3 I think I wanted to write about the benefits of role playing and fight against the stigma people had against larpers, now that she has addressed it very eloquently in her book I no longer feel like saving the world. :D haha.

So I think I will examine it from the subculture of larping now... (break) I just took a break to talked to Ruben about this...

and this is what I got, in the aspect of play

gender roles that you play allow you to explore gender roles....
why adults need play motivations and
self construction how play influences that...

and now I have to read more about subcultures and what the really means to be a subculture.

Now about the SCA, it's questionable to try to define it as a larping... so I have to figure out what "gaming" really is.

Now those are my thoughts I'm going to go to work now...

Rough Draft of Click

Click

I’m gonna draw you sweetling
Gonna put you down so you’ll never change
Tie and hold this instance with my pen
Like a red balloon on a summer fence

When there’s too many dawns
Sunsets too, when you lose that childish wonder
Sky turned blue
When you don’t need me anymore
Living lives we never planned
Far away in places we only dreamed
When memories don’t cling like they used to
When tears no longer mean the same
Only a call away but
time weathered our hard won courage

A thousand worth in words
An image filled with mirth
Even when we’ve left this earth
Hold that mona lisa smile

WAI!

So much to do. Hear me whine. But anyways just wanted to make a note that ever since I've stopped meditating I've noticed I'm more easily distracted. I have this ever growing list of "housework"/todos, but it's just getting bigger and bigger. meanwhile my butt has been getting smaller and smaller. yay. :3 I think it is at least, my pants are not so tight on me. The weight scale lies! It says I've gained 2 pounds back but I feel lighter. You know what? Fuck the weight scale. I'm never gonna believe it.

Btw I realized I like the burn of my sides when I've been running. I went with 3 others to the gym recently and it felt so good to run. It's not like I'm going for miles or minutes. But at least every 10 minutes I try to make an effort to run 2 minutes. I went yesterday for 50 minutes so I had 10 minutes (at least) of me running. Sweetness.

And as I was running I was thinking.....if you're going to work hard, you better start to yearn for the pain!

YEAH IT HURTS SO GOOD... yum. Maybe all this weather is driving me INSANE! no wonder why they call that workout regiment insanity. You have to be not sane to want to hurt that much and keep coming back. Muahahah I am so witty. lol. jk. >.> k tear me to shreds dearest sisters. <3