falling asleep

I couldn't fall asleep. I usually can't on the sundays that trailed a weekend filled with David and his grandparents. I thought it was because I was angry I had to work-the slavish necessity that jealously stole my time away from things I wanted to do.

What woke me up was the tearful reconciliation and accusation of one of my neighbors with her boyfriend? something about being stuck at home. I just laid and bed and contemplated going out to our third floor balcony and telling her nobody wanted to listen to her tearful sobbing. I'm sure it seemed like her world was tearing itself apart, but from the guilty admittance about her drunk nature a few days ago, she wasn't a completely innocent victim in the story.

I think that's what's been bothering me lately, the string of abusive people in my life was something I could no longer blame for my nature. I couldn't pretend to hide behind the label of victim, I couldn't make myself out to be a victim anymore--especially if I wanted to respect myself.

Sometimes relationships break you, and sometimes they show you you're broken-and you're cowering in the corner trying to cover up all the bad parts like an awkward locker room scene from a teen flick. So broken-you're ashamed and so angry you could fly right out of your skin.

The sad thing about life is you're born alone, and you die alone. Oh sure you'll be lucky and blessed to have people around for both occasions but even if they're there, they can't really be there. That gaping part inside of you that you keep trying to fill with people, things, events, but it mockingly widens a hungry mouth of realization that it will never be filled because you will always be alone. We-our society-can't seem to face that today, being alone, that's why we fill it with thoughts, activity, people to chase it away, it goes slowly and reluctantly and returns laughing mockingly.

So you could leave mentally but you'll always have to return. Because it's our nature to want to be with others, and being with others is having to face a mirror with a army full of spotlights. Naked and exposing your every pore with no screen to hide behind (although most do-a screen built of thick stubborn ignorance). I am lucky to be with David. He makes me face my helplessness, my nature, my beliefs about gender roles, the way I treat others, the power and control cycle of relationships-and the way I keep trying to bring it about even though I know it's not something I want existing between us, the petty ways I hurt him, re-examine comments that didn't at first seem harmful but carried a nasty undertone, my passive aggressive nature of getting back at others when I'm hurt, my vicious vengeance, the quick trigger I have towards annoyance-and how I easily lash out at others-making them my target, how I don't like listening to others, how I easily believe people to be "bad" or "good" and don't take both features in consideration, how I take people for granted, how I don't like relying on others even if I'm suffering. People don't like themselves when they face something like that, I don't.

But I'm grateful for it.

Some people like to walk through life trying to pretend that the problems around them is just a vengeful nature of a god, as I like to say to David "God hates Asians!" and some people take responsibility for their actions. I'd like to believe I'm in the middle, battling for the latter rather than falling in the unresisting, seductive former. I'd like to believe that because I'd like to be proud of myself in the future.

I'd like to be able to be calm and loving with the people I love. I'd like to tease them with the security of the knowledge that what I'd say won't hurt, and the assurance that I do love them. I'd like to be grateful for every second I spend with those I love, never taking the fragile sanctity of life for granted. I'd like to be able to talk about my feelings freely without trying to manipulate the other in some way shape or form. I'd like to feel connected to the suffering of humans-sometimes apathy and selfishness stains my every step-is it the nature of our desensitized society?

My current awareness of my nature is a very tiny step towards that proud and serene woman. I have to make a conscious effort to examine the motivations behind my actions, and how my actions can be misconstrued. It's hard, and I'm hoping..I'm hoping I can get there one day. I hope I can come to like myself. Oh and fall asleep for the next hour and a half before I have to go into work...grr.