Catch up.

Finally came back to this site. I have like 7 blogs. Most are invisible to you, the visitor. Some of them were projects long dead, unused, and yet I can't part with them. It's strange to look back at what you've written and wonder "Is that really me?"

I read a short story I wrote, I liked the writing, but the author (me) was much to vague and too caught up in painting a pretty picture. It's good to have this much honestly, I think that time has helped in allowing me to detach from my piece of work.

I say that I can accept hard criticism, but boy is it hard to swallow it down without being defensive. Like recently, I applied for a Summer Research Experience for Undergraduate and my personal statement really ... was not good (MB said it was so, and I respect her writing abilities). That really cut holes in my confidence. I mean, I can make excuses for it, such as "I'm not familiar with writing this kind of formal paper". But truth is, I need practice.

Thus my return. But I want to use this site as more of a exercise rather than whining about this. >.>

Which btw if you're wondering. My life is going good. All my minor problems are like a different colored brush stroke on a canvas, layered over and over upon each other, to the point where the only color I can see is brown. It's a slow buzzing bother that I've been to busy with other things to notice.

If I could make a wish right now, it wouldn't to be instantly happy, but to be given the environment and skills to find my happiness. I feel like I'm in a foggy room just waiting for everything to clear, but it wont't happen. There's too many expectations and I'm just too tired to fight against them to gain the clarity of joy anymore.

I know Im sick, not physically but mentally and spiritually. I lack the empathy for a fellow friend, and just want to be left alone to sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself away in a coma, it would make life so simple.

But I've got bills to pay, night shifts to work, assignments due, life to live.

... sometimes I wonder how people are able to drag themselves out of their addictions, it seems so easy and tempting to just drown in them and worry about no one but one's self and the next high.

Not that I get high. I'm much to responsible for that. Plus I don't want to put people I love through that, nor do I want a chained life like that. Freedom comes at a high cost, at the lowest point all one can do is hope that it means something, and at the highest, it's like breathing for the first time.

K, time for homework now. Bah. lol.

Abrasive.

I've felt uneasy these last few weeks, at first I thought I needed the freedom my apartment would supply, and then I thought I needed to surround myself with people I love, and then it was the need for another job. But I think I've come to the realization it's not any of those things, that this itching, getting rid of this irritation would be as easy as actually shedding my skin. Basically not at all, I feel the abrasiveness between what I want and what is, what I need, and what must be. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like there's a constant worry that has manifested itself underneath my skin, and it's hurting me, the urge to scratch and pick at it is irresistible, and I feel like it's slowing poisoning my system, churning this helplessness, powerlessness, and worry into hate. I find it harder and harder to forgive myself, and so I'm turning that hate outside effecting my life and my ability for compassion.

Today I took a walk, and exercised for the first time this week, and now I'm drinking mountain dew, it's hard not to criticize myself for this diet, but I must not, and I must forgive. Apparently mountain dew is a necessary evil if I want to stay up. Maybe, all I know is that I'm staying up.

I know that forever is never, and that I must be with myself before being able to seek the company of others, I was doing so well this afternoon too, just lingering in the pool of sensual skin and sleep. But my worries, this fear has kept me up, awaken me before I was ready, I've got bags underneath my eyes, and I imagine myself being held because I seek that comfort that only safety can give you, and I'm so scared all the time, I feel like I'm in constant fear. My nerves are always at their highest awareness and that is why I think I am tired all the time, perhaps I'm going through minor depression too. I'm sick of not being able to process my emotions and keeping them in all the time. I think that's why I feel so itchy, because I've realized in the past month, I haven't had much of a chance to be with myself, to just be, and talk, and figure things out. I realize that I need to do that more, perhaps this is what they mean but meditation.

Goddess give me strength.

Being alone.

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I had a debate with a friend about this once, and I still think I'm right. There is a difference and life has taught me that I am right. Being alone is a feeling of rejoicing with your own company, being lonely is wanting to be with someone but yourself. It's the inability to face yourself and thus you look to others to distract you, you listen to music, you watch tv, anything but sitting and just being you.

I wonder if we take technology out of society will society go through withdrawal? It'll be an interesting experiment. Because I think technology disconnect us with ourselves and we focus too much on others.

I'm learning that I like being alone so long as I enjoy and feel gratified towards the little things in life, like the ache of a muscle well used, or the joyful turn of words, wet water budding on my skin, the soft feel of a shirt, the feeling of cleanliness, wet hair on a pillow, the velvetness of my body pillow, the caress of blankets, a smile and the strain of muscle, a breath. It's the small things in life that counts--as someone once told me--because they never change.

Someone important to me, someone whom I took their word for everything, but I've been developing my intelligence boundary. Which basically means the ability to be myself without allowing others thoughts or opinions of affect me. Of course that doesn't mean I no longer accept things, I do, after examining it against what I know.

Good night now, it's time for me to be alone---I find I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would.

Not being.

Not being with David has allowed me time to think, perhaps love is fleeting. I'm not saying that I no longer love him, the need for him just doesn't burn as much as it used to, and I'm glad because it's certainly burnt it's way through my rational thinking.

A thought came to me today that the way I have behaved is unhealthy, and that when these two weeks are up we're going to have to talk about our boundaries and expectations of each other, and be firm in them. And if we can't be what the other needs, then perhaps it's best not to be. I wonder if this resolution and strength will help me through the actual application of. I hope so, but at the same time, I hope not.

I think it's important to be free. I think we both understand this now, but also I have rights as well. And I need to respect those rights and if he can't then, it's best to be free. Love will come again. It will hurt and may take a while, but it'll come again. Like I said I'll survive. I think I'm holding on because I think he's the only person that can give me what I need, but he's not. Sad, but true.

Spoke too soon.

Seems I spoke to soon, because after I received a call with not so good news about rent. But it worked out, my heroic roommate dash to the rescue with her incredibly awesome assertive skills. phew. I'm glad she spoke, otherwise I would be mowed over like yesterday's weeds. We've got it all figured out which means less finacial issues for me, or more? Meh. I need to get a job that hires me quick. Real quick. I mean I have a job yet, but I've yet to be officially hired. =-=" hai, it's frustrating.

But I'm not letting this ruin my day. ^__^

I'm not going to let my smile fade because you happen to have the characteristics of a gargoyle. :P