I was on a roll with the last post, but I've barely had time to write. It's not that I haven't, because I've been writing many papers for my classes. At first I struggled, but then I realized that I was going through writer's block. But I'm pulling myself out slowly with my fingertips.
Although I do have an unhealthy fascination with sex scenes---hey! What can I say it helps me get through the writers block---not to mention fun to write. :3
Hmm, although I've done something things recently that I'm not proud of....
My parents are MIA at the moment and I've had to stay home to watch my 7-8 siblings (depending on if Grandma is in town with the little one or not) and it's hard being thrust into a role I am not ready for and yet at the same time---allowing me to experience responsibility. I admit, I've been trying to escape it for the last few years---this will be good for me.
Last week was a most horrible week though. Everything went bad, from forgetting a powercord, to having too much of a social life to keep up with, in some cases I had to cancel because I just needed a breather---and I lied about it. D: which made me feel even worst than actually having to say, hey, can't hang out tonight because I don't want to. Meh then again I don't think that would have been fly with my friends. D:
AHHH! The guilt. I hate lying, honesty is something I value--and it's hard.
Anyways issues with the boyfriend were not good, in fact my behavior with him is scaring me, how dependent I am, and with the serious conversation we had---(basically one day we're going to have to say goodbye) Um, it's not the ideal relationship but it works for both of us right now... and yet I just can't help but want more---and that's why I'm feeling so insecure. I want more even though I'm okay with what we have right now. Meh, to get over it I can only be in the mindset of the broken cup. Everything has it's end time. I just thought I could deceive myself longer, no go though. And that's what I'm disappointed in, and Im second guessing and questioning myself and sometimes I wish he could tell me what I was doing wrong but I know I have to figure it out on my own, because that would be a shift in control and I would be doing what he wants me to, not what I want to... As if there was a perfect position I could achieve of super girlfriend but I am who I am and people love differently.
Guilt is also piling on, I did something naughty last night that I wasn't suppose to and it's something that I'll have to discuss with him, I think most importantly it has to do with a manner of respect rather than what I actually did. I mean overall he's okay with me exploring other parts of my sexuality but he wanted to know. I guess that's something I need to think about---but it shouldn't be something I dumped on him so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. Anyways. This helped. thanks. and to bed.
Ah I joined a gym, but Im scared of the people there, because they're people. I guess I ought to get to know some of them. I wanted to know the naked lady in a sauna---but after seeing someone naked I guess that makes it awkward. D: sad. I should have said something to ease the tension. Ah..well,regrets got to let them go.
