Today I'm feeling a bit off. I just learned yesterday that one of my professors was bugged by how I acted in class. I wasn't looking at the screen-we were learning about powerpoint posters. She was curious about how I could learn. Apparently she said something about "it might help if you looked that the screen." And my other friend had heard it looked at me and I looked happy. Like some innocent fool. I feel so fucking naive.
I had become comfortable being myself around these people and now I just want to hide away from them. Logically I understand that she was upset that day because she was trying to show us her plan for how she organized things and it didn't quite work. She had been getting pretty upset.. and actually took control of the folder (from a coworker) to look for the day. It didn't quite work out. I mean I know she was upset, but she managed to upset me now, by letting me know she was upset with me that day. I was looking at the powerpoint, and at the same time writing information and maybe looking for pictures to contribute towards my powerpoint. But I was paying attention. It's just how I am.
It makes me wonder and hesitate in my actions, what do people think about me if I did this?
It makes me sad, and angry that I've lost that attitude,the one where I don't care what people are thinking about me. Mostly though I think I'm angry I didn't want to face this thought that people might not have exactly positive thoughts towards me. I just stopped thinking about what others thought of me. Anyways gotta go meet with her now.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
love
I know you love me, and I know I love you but sometimes I'm not sure if I know what love is. I know I love being with you, you make me happy and sometimes that's all that I can ask for but sometimes I wish out love was passionate, I wish I could drown myself in your love and count my blessings on the way down. Your love would be the vast sky, if I ever doubted you all I would have to do is to look up. Our love would pour right into me, like a huge waterfall filling me to the brim so that if you were even taken away from me, life would no longer have a purpose. I would just dry up and happily die to be with you.
Ah... how sad Twilight makes us all. That, my dears is the danger of twilight, the oh so tempting belief that you need someone else to love you this much to give value to who you are. Why is it it that we are never enough for ourselves? Why must we seek others to validate us? Is it a simply biological need?
Ah... how sad Twilight makes us all. That, my dears is the danger of twilight, the oh so tempting belief that you need someone else to love you this much to give value to who you are. Why is it it that we are never enough for ourselves? Why must we seek others to validate us? Is it a simply biological need?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Ramblings on my Research
So.... excited I just got my book yesterday! Yay. lol I think I sat there for a good twenty minutes just hugging (and admittedly somewhat rubbing) it against my chest... and squealing. Then I promptly sent a very excited email to the author, who has PhD.....I just hope it wasn't too.......puppyish.
Then I read and read and I just got done with it today. It was a fascinating read but I realize my mind tends to wonder if there's not a story to tell. D:
SO...... yeah just got done reading. Bowman's book examines role playing games through studying the benefits of role playing, problem solving, identity and typologies of role players. What I wanted to do was to emphasize the importance of play for adults and present my information to support the idea of play. I was going to take the perspective of play because I felt that it integrated: role play, pretend play, physical play and word play (story telling?). I was going to talk about the benefits of play, e.g. role playing helps people practice emotions/actions/behaviors, they learn about their world in a safe environment, etc.
Gender was suppose to help me examine it from, roles, I think I want to examine how people construct their gender and the comfort and safety of constructing a masculine or feminine role without misconceptions or judgments or consequences to their real self, because everyone understands this is just a game, this is just fake it's not real. But at the same time it has real life consequences and benefits.
I wanted to examine it from---
I think I have been satisfied by Bowman's book. :3 I think I wanted to write about the benefits of role playing and fight against the stigma people had against larpers, now that she has addressed it very eloquently in her book I no longer feel like saving the world. :D haha.
So I think I will examine it from the subculture of larping now... (break) I just took a break to talked to Ruben about this...
and this is what I got, in the aspect of play
gender roles that you play allow you to explore gender roles....
why adults need play motivations and
self construction how play influences that...
and now I have to read more about subcultures and what the really means to be a subculture.
Now about the SCA, it's questionable to try to define it as a larping... so I have to figure out what "gaming" really is.
Now those are my thoughts I'm going to go to work now...
Then I read and read and I just got done with it today. It was a fascinating read but I realize my mind tends to wonder if there's not a story to tell. D:
SO...... yeah just got done reading. Bowman's book examines role playing games through studying the benefits of role playing, problem solving, identity and typologies of role players. What I wanted to do was to emphasize the importance of play for adults and present my information to support the idea of play. I was going to take the perspective of play because I felt that it integrated: role play, pretend play, physical play and word play (story telling?). I was going to talk about the benefits of play, e.g. role playing helps people practice emotions/actions/behaviors, they learn about their world in a safe environment, etc.
Gender was suppose to help me examine it from, roles, I think I want to examine how people construct their gender and the comfort and safety of constructing a masculine or feminine role without misconceptions or judgments or consequences to their real self, because everyone understands this is just a game, this is just fake it's not real. But at the same time it has real life consequences and benefits.
I wanted to examine it from---
I think I have been satisfied by Bowman's book. :3 I think I wanted to write about the benefits of role playing and fight against the stigma people had against larpers, now that she has addressed it very eloquently in her book I no longer feel like saving the world. :D haha.
So I think I will examine it from the subculture of larping now... (break) I just took a break to talked to Ruben about this...
and this is what I got, in the aspect of play
gender roles that you play allow you to explore gender roles....
why adults need play motivations and
self construction how play influences that...
and now I have to read more about subcultures and what the really means to be a subculture.
Now about the SCA, it's questionable to try to define it as a larping... so I have to figure out what "gaming" really is.
Now those are my thoughts I'm going to go to work now...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Rough Draft of Click
Click
I’m gonna draw you sweetling
Gonna put you down so you’ll never change
Tie and hold this instance with my pen
Like a red balloon on a summer fence
When there’s too many dawns
Sunsets too, when you lose that childish wonder
Sky turned blue
When you don’t need me anymore
Living lives we never planned
Far away in places we only dreamed
When memories don’t cling like they used to
When tears no longer mean the same
Only a call away but
time weathered our hard won courage
A thousand worth in words
An image filled with mirth
Even when we’ve left this earth
Hold that mona lisa smile
I’m gonna draw you sweetling
Gonna put you down so you’ll never change
Tie and hold this instance with my pen
Like a red balloon on a summer fence
When there’s too many dawns
Sunsets too, when you lose that childish wonder
Sky turned blue
When you don’t need me anymore
Living lives we never planned
Far away in places we only dreamed
When memories don’t cling like they used to
When tears no longer mean the same
Only a call away but
time weathered our hard won courage
A thousand worth in words
An image filled with mirth
Even when we’ve left this earth
Hold that mona lisa smile
WAI!
So much to do. Hear me whine. But anyways just wanted to make a note that ever since I've stopped meditating I've noticed I'm more easily distracted. I have this ever growing list of "housework"/todos, but it's just getting bigger and bigger. meanwhile my butt has been getting smaller and smaller. yay. :3 I think it is at least, my pants are not so tight on me. The weight scale lies! It says I've gained 2 pounds back but I feel lighter. You know what? Fuck the weight scale. I'm never gonna believe it.
Btw I realized I like the burn of my sides when I've been running. I went with 3 others to the gym recently and it felt so good to run. It's not like I'm going for miles or minutes. But at least every 10 minutes I try to make an effort to run 2 minutes. I went yesterday for 50 minutes so I had 10 minutes (at least) of me running. Sweetness.
And as I was running I was thinking.....if you're going to work hard, you better start to yearn for the pain!
YEAH IT HURTS SO GOOD... yum. Maybe all this weather is driving me INSANE! no wonder why they call that workout regiment insanity. You have to be not sane to want to hurt that much and keep coming back. Muahahah I am so witty. lol. jk. >.> k tear me to shreds dearest sisters. <3
Btw I realized I like the burn of my sides when I've been running. I went with 3 others to the gym recently and it felt so good to run. It's not like I'm going for miles or minutes. But at least every 10 minutes I try to make an effort to run 2 minutes. I went yesterday for 50 minutes so I had 10 minutes (at least) of me running. Sweetness.
And as I was running I was thinking.....if you're going to work hard, you better start to yearn for the pain!
YEAH IT HURTS SO GOOD... yum. Maybe all this weather is driving me INSANE! no wonder why they call that workout regiment insanity. You have to be not sane to want to hurt that much and keep coming back. Muahahah I am so witty. lol. jk. >.> k tear me to shreds dearest sisters. <3
Saturday, July 3, 2010
rain rain rain...
The rain here in Texas is confusing... one moment it's sprinkling (Oh this is fine, I like this) and the next you're drenched (eyes red like demon fire).
It's almost like the emotional states I've been through... happy and content and then lonely and well, alone.
I should have been used to it by now, if there's any lesson I took from my tumultuous teen years, it was that-we are born alone, and die alone.
Right now it just feels like... being single hurt less than this. That's the risk of relationships--emotionally ties. Even being single--there was the option of seeking out others, now that I'm in a relationship--seeking out others is a betrayal.
ugh... perhaps tonight is a perfect night to watch a weepy drama.
It's almost like the emotional states I've been through... happy and content and then lonely and well, alone.
I should have been used to it by now, if there's any lesson I took from my tumultuous teen years, it was that-we are born alone, and die alone.
Right now it just feels like... being single hurt less than this. That's the risk of relationships--emotionally ties. Even being single--there was the option of seeking out others, now that I'm in a relationship--seeking out others is a betrayal.
ugh... perhaps tonight is a perfect night to watch a weepy drama.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Hurting Love?
So... I know it's immature, but I've taken to replacing love with the word fuck, especially in regards to the boyfriend. ex: I fuck you!
I know that fuck has a negative connotation. The complete opposite meaning of love.
...I just, maybe I have a tendency to push the people I love, to see if they still love me. It goes back to something one of my teachers said about at risk teenagers. You get to know them, develop a healthy mentor mentee relationship and then they start pushing, they start pushing your trust, your dependability because they don't believe you'll be there. I can't help it, from all the stuff I've learned about human development--it's reasonable behavior (testing others, being clingy) when I was raised in an environment where there were no blatant expression of love, no reassuring touches, a father that was gone most of the time, and a mother that was busy.
I know that I shouldn't say this to him, and I know that it hurts him, but sometimes I feel like I need to, because it's the only reaction I'll get out of him. I know, very similar to the child that strikes out for attention...but how can I fix it?
I think honestly, deeply, I get hurt when I feel like he doesn't care about me (such as asking me not to call him today because he's gonna go play video games with his friends) so I try to hurt him back. Perhaps I should tell him it hurts when he says things like he doesn't miss me.
I was going to not call him for a few days, we've been talking everyday since I'm out here. My motivation was because he has been working and not getting a lot of time off (even though I have been as well) and I thought perhaps he just needs some time off from me. Underlying reasons are: maybe he'll miss me, maybe he'll wonder why I haven't called. Will he take the initiative and call me? Perhaps it'll give me time to be okay with being alone.
Because he rarely does-call me that is. I guess it's because he forgets. He actually said to me once, that if he didn't have a girlfriend he would be okay with that. If I admit it to myself honestly, that hurts. But I also understand that he needs to prove to himself he is a very independent person. Perhaps it's naive to assume that--perhaps he really is okay if he wasn't in a relationship for me. I know that if we did break up he would just move on. I'd be the one who'll cry for us.
But then once I said to him, "see, I don't need you after all". He acted a bit hurt. Said something about it being nice to be needed. Why doesn't he also understand that's how I feel too?
I also realized today-- that without me, our relationship wouldn't exist. Because of my clingy nature and my determination to make it work, my willingness to negotiate we would not be together today. It was almost like a shift in power. Like before I deferred to him, but now I realize we are equals, I have just as much if not more value in this relationship as he does. It almost makes me feel secure, like in the future if I don't like something I can say no without the fear of him leaving me.
Another thing--he keeps telling me I'm clingy and says it's okay he loves me anyways. and then say something like you need to be more independent. Although he says he wants me to change, if I will I don't think he'll love me anymore, because I wouldn't be the one that he fell in love with. I said to him, lets see-stay the same and be in a relationship with you, or change and be okay with being independent(why do I associate independence with being single? Perhaps I don't believe one can be independent in a relationship--that you always have to negotiate, but what if I didn't have to? What if it was okay for me to be okay with me being me in a relationship?). He expressed some fear that if I changed I wouldn't be the same person and he anticipates that he won't love me anymore. I guess I'm saying, sometimes I wish he would just say... I honestly love you just the way you are, and I know I say things like this but without you being you, we wouldn't be together.
maybe he just doesn't realize it. Also I'm not saying that I don't need to change. I know I do, but not because of him, because after him I still want to be able to know that I can stand on my own. Perhaps I ought to stop depending on him so much--but that feels like a betrayal. I feel like if I emotionally divvy up myself within my friends I could easily drift away from him. I feel like I ought to be this way--because no other way would work. (now is this my personality? I know I tend to focus on certain people in my life...or is it because I don't have confidence in my ability to be faithful? Or is it an ingrained belief that lovers should first be deeply friends and thus share themselves full with each other? I know that one thing I love about being with him is the ability to be myself, although admittedly I do do somethings I kinda really don't want to) I don't know where this fear came from, but if he was reading this he'd try to reassure me. But how can you get rid of these ingrained phobias. because they really are phobias--I fear, and reasoning it out wont help.
Also I realize I shouldn't be upset with him just wanting to hang out with his friends... I think again it's the fear that if he has other people, I won't be as important in his life. I realize now that's the core issue. I said a long time ago, that I won't be second place in a mans life. I am in his, perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't work out--I can never know. But I realize now...I need to let him go and establish relationships with other people, friends because he needs to, wants to. I need to stop being afraid of them realizing that perhaps there's someone better out there. If he finds her, then it'll hurt like hell and wasn't meant to be..but fuck, no way am I going to be hopeful, it'll hurt like hell.
I know that fuck has a negative connotation. The complete opposite meaning of love.
...I just, maybe I have a tendency to push the people I love, to see if they still love me. It goes back to something one of my teachers said about at risk teenagers. You get to know them, develop a healthy mentor mentee relationship and then they start pushing, they start pushing your trust, your dependability because they don't believe you'll be there. I can't help it, from all the stuff I've learned about human development--it's reasonable behavior (testing others, being clingy) when I was raised in an environment where there were no blatant expression of love, no reassuring touches, a father that was gone most of the time, and a mother that was busy.
I know that I shouldn't say this to him, and I know that it hurts him, but sometimes I feel like I need to, because it's the only reaction I'll get out of him. I know, very similar to the child that strikes out for attention...but how can I fix it?
I think honestly, deeply, I get hurt when I feel like he doesn't care about me (such as asking me not to call him today because he's gonna go play video games with his friends) so I try to hurt him back. Perhaps I should tell him it hurts when he says things like he doesn't miss me.
I was going to not call him for a few days, we've been talking everyday since I'm out here. My motivation was because he has been working and not getting a lot of time off (even though I have been as well) and I thought perhaps he just needs some time off from me. Underlying reasons are: maybe he'll miss me, maybe he'll wonder why I haven't called. Will he take the initiative and call me? Perhaps it'll give me time to be okay with being alone.
Because he rarely does-call me that is. I guess it's because he forgets. He actually said to me once, that if he didn't have a girlfriend he would be okay with that. If I admit it to myself honestly, that hurts. But I also understand that he needs to prove to himself he is a very independent person. Perhaps it's naive to assume that--perhaps he really is okay if he wasn't in a relationship for me. I know that if we did break up he would just move on. I'd be the one who'll cry for us.
But then once I said to him, "see, I don't need you after all". He acted a bit hurt. Said something about it being nice to be needed. Why doesn't he also understand that's how I feel too?
I also realized today-- that without me, our relationship wouldn't exist. Because of my clingy nature and my determination to make it work, my willingness to negotiate we would not be together today. It was almost like a shift in power. Like before I deferred to him, but now I realize we are equals, I have just as much if not more value in this relationship as he does. It almost makes me feel secure, like in the future if I don't like something I can say no without the fear of him leaving me.
Another thing--he keeps telling me I'm clingy and says it's okay he loves me anyways. and then say something like you need to be more independent. Although he says he wants me to change, if I will I don't think he'll love me anymore, because I wouldn't be the one that he fell in love with. I said to him, lets see-stay the same and be in a relationship with you, or change and be okay with being independent(why do I associate independence with being single? Perhaps I don't believe one can be independent in a relationship--that you always have to negotiate, but what if I didn't have to? What if it was okay for me to be okay with me being me in a relationship?). He expressed some fear that if I changed I wouldn't be the same person and he anticipates that he won't love me anymore. I guess I'm saying, sometimes I wish he would just say... I honestly love you just the way you are, and I know I say things like this but without you being you, we wouldn't be together.
maybe he just doesn't realize it. Also I'm not saying that I don't need to change. I know I do, but not because of him, because after him I still want to be able to know that I can stand on my own. Perhaps I ought to stop depending on him so much--but that feels like a betrayal. I feel like if I emotionally divvy up myself within my friends I could easily drift away from him. I feel like I ought to be this way--because no other way would work. (now is this my personality? I know I tend to focus on certain people in my life...or is it because I don't have confidence in my ability to be faithful? Or is it an ingrained belief that lovers should first be deeply friends and thus share themselves full with each other? I know that one thing I love about being with him is the ability to be myself, although admittedly I do do somethings I kinda really don't want to) I don't know where this fear came from, but if he was reading this he'd try to reassure me. But how can you get rid of these ingrained phobias. because they really are phobias--I fear, and reasoning it out wont help.
Also I realize I shouldn't be upset with him just wanting to hang out with his friends... I think again it's the fear that if he has other people, I won't be as important in his life. I realize now that's the core issue. I said a long time ago, that I won't be second place in a mans life. I am in his, perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't work out--I can never know. But I realize now...I need to let him go and establish relationships with other people, friends because he needs to, wants to. I need to stop being afraid of them realizing that perhaps there's someone better out there. If he finds her, then it'll hurt like hell and wasn't meant to be..but fuck, no way am I going to be hopeful, it'll hurt like hell.
sorry I haven't posted in a while.
Hey guys... D:
Yeah I think I failed the 365 days habit. I sorry. Not an excuse but there's a lot of things to do here, and I'm so tired. Especially recently.
Last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am. I was working on my presentation of my research project... what happened was I gave up around 3am with my old research project... and then in the course of 2 hours I found a new one and progressed further in that than my previous study.
I'm gonna study people who larp. :3
When I presented it everyone was quite pumped... lol I think it was because I was quite pumped.
oh it was so nice to work out... I've been trying to work out and read at the same time so I get some exercise in. Funny thing is I read faster when I work out...lol I actually think I want to get done exercising quicker so I read faster.
How are you guys doing with the losing weight?
Sadly I've gained some since I've got here, but I've been feeing a lot better because I've been eating a lot of healthy food. (not nuked) Their produce here is quite cheap although the taxes are a little higher than WI.
I'll try to write more--I forgot how much this helps. Btw like the new design? Gonna write a personal emo entry and then I'll check your blogs out. btw Noodles--what blog do you update?
Yeah I think I failed the 365 days habit. I sorry. Not an excuse but there's a lot of things to do here, and I'm so tired. Especially recently.
Last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am. I was working on my presentation of my research project... what happened was I gave up around 3am with my old research project... and then in the course of 2 hours I found a new one and progressed further in that than my previous study.
I'm gonna study people who larp. :3
When I presented it everyone was quite pumped... lol I think it was because I was quite pumped.
oh it was so nice to work out... I've been trying to work out and read at the same time so I get some exercise in. Funny thing is I read faster when I work out...lol I actually think I want to get done exercising quicker so I read faster.
How are you guys doing with the losing weight?
Sadly I've gained some since I've got here, but I've been feeing a lot better because I've been eating a lot of healthy food. (not nuked) Their produce here is quite cheap although the taxes are a little higher than WI.
I'll try to write more--I forgot how much this helps. Btw like the new design? Gonna write a personal emo entry and then I'll check your blogs out. btw Noodles--what blog do you update?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Landing in Texas.
So, I was so very excited when I got the acceptance call. But ever since officially quitting my job, I've been feeling very nervous and homesick (even though I was at home). Someone once said to me that he was afraid of being forgotten--he was gone for a week but during that time I wrote a email to him everyday.
I guess that might have been some of my fear.
The reason why I wanted to go to Texas and fully experience this opportunity is because it would the first true act of my independence, the final cut in the umbilical cord. I wanted to prove that I could be by myself, but I guess I never realized how lonely being by myself is. As I told David--while sitting in the car waiting for the van to pick me up and take me to the Twin Cities airport---It's like I'm all alone again. I told him it was like we were breaking up, the bluntly honest jerk agreed. I was scared everyone would forget me and he just confirmed it. But he made up for it in hugs.
Right now I'm sitting in my dorm, waiting for AT-Andy to get off work so we can meet and get dinner. I've tided over with some cookies and cheetos I bought from the supermarket down the road--unfortunately they didn't carry a pillow so I'll be pillowless for a bit. Why is it that something as simple as a pillow further emphasizes how far I am from home? TT_TT
I guess that might have been some of my fear.
The reason why I wanted to go to Texas and fully experience this opportunity is because it would the first true act of my independence, the final cut in the umbilical cord. I wanted to prove that I could be by myself, but I guess I never realized how lonely being by myself is. As I told David--while sitting in the car waiting for the van to pick me up and take me to the Twin Cities airport---It's like I'm all alone again. I told him it was like we were breaking up, the bluntly honest jerk agreed. I was scared everyone would forget me and he just confirmed it. But he made up for it in hugs.
Right now I'm sitting in my dorm, waiting for AT-Andy to get off work so we can meet and get dinner. I've tided over with some cookies and cheetos I bought from the supermarket down the road--unfortunately they didn't carry a pillow so I'll be pillowless for a bit. Why is it that something as simple as a pillow further emphasizes how far I am from home? TT_TT
Sunday, May 9, 2010
seeking
It's continuing frustrating when you know what the problem is, you know how it looks like, you have control over it, and yet--you still can't solve it. That! is the problem you face when setting out on a mission to improve yourself.
Aiyoo. Tis discouraging no?
I didn't go to my family's mother's day celebration. They probably thought it was because I wanted to spend more time with David. But in truth, I was just tired of people, of not meeting their expectations, or not meeting mine; of feeling that I was a failure all the time.
Sigh... I need to find my bliss again.
Aiyoo. Tis discouraging no?
I didn't go to my family's mother's day celebration. They probably thought it was because I wanted to spend more time with David. But in truth, I was just tired of people, of not meeting their expectations, or not meeting mine; of feeling that I was a failure all the time.
Sigh... I need to find my bliss again.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Flying a kite
This weekend while at David's grandparents, we went to Walmart. Across from there was Dollar General.
I bought headphones at walmart and I loath the thought of caring around the little plastic box so I opened it up.
You know those little black cushions for your ears? Soft and light like clouds--apparently they're not. They're even lighter and easily gets blown away by a nice stiff wind. After running the length of the Walmart store, I gave up and freed the other one. Sometimes you just gotta let things go.
SO.. I went to the Dollar General to buy some kites. It was the perfect weather.
But when we got home and went out on the field... well let's just say who knew kites were so suicidal? But as I stood twitching one arm, while doing a little run jump-in efforts to encourage the wind to lift the wings of the kite--I couldn't help but think how similar this task was to life. How discouraging it was to see it suddenly sink, and how inspiring to see the wind take hold, bringing it closer and closer to the sky. Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to fly that kite--and I wish I was too because down here, too often I don't get to see-or perhaps don't notice when it takes flight.
I think if the kite could give me some of it's advice-it would be to simply enjoy the ride-the whole ride, and remember to play often. ^_^
I bought headphones at walmart and I loath the thought of caring around the little plastic box so I opened it up.
You know those little black cushions for your ears? Soft and light like clouds--apparently they're not. They're even lighter and easily gets blown away by a nice stiff wind. After running the length of the Walmart store, I gave up and freed the other one. Sometimes you just gotta let things go.
SO.. I went to the Dollar General to buy some kites. It was the perfect weather.
But when we got home and went out on the field... well let's just say who knew kites were so suicidal? But as I stood twitching one arm, while doing a little run jump-in efforts to encourage the wind to lift the wings of the kite--I couldn't help but think how similar this task was to life. How discouraging it was to see it suddenly sink, and how inspiring to see the wind take hold, bringing it closer and closer to the sky. Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to fly that kite--and I wish I was too because down here, too often I don't get to see-or perhaps don't notice when it takes flight.
I think if the kite could give me some of it's advice-it would be to simply enjoy the ride-the whole ride, and remember to play often. ^_^
In actuality
I actually ended up getting dressed and pacing in front of our apartment trying to work off the angst. I tried meditating, but I was so angry, my anger burnt me up. Srsly, I was becoming overheated just focusing on it.
But what could I do?
I think it's just my body's way of saying that I'm not doing a great job coping with the stress. I just can't wait till Texas. It will be a much needed reprieve from working full time and going to school full time. The best thing about it is... I get to sleep at night, I can take long nightly walks and stare up at the stars without the reminder of needing to be somewhere-taint my enjoyment.
*sigh* <3
But what could I do?
I think it's just my body's way of saying that I'm not doing a great job coping with the stress. I just can't wait till Texas. It will be a much needed reprieve from working full time and going to school full time. The best thing about it is... I get to sleep at night, I can take long nightly walks and stare up at the stars without the reminder of needing to be somewhere-taint my enjoyment.
*sigh* <3
Sunday, May 2, 2010
falling asleep
I couldn't fall asleep. I usually can't on the sundays that trailed a weekend filled with David and his grandparents. I thought it was because I was angry I had to work-the slavish necessity that jealously stole my time away from things I wanted to do.
What woke me up was the tearful reconciliation and accusation of one of my neighbors with her boyfriend? something about being stuck at home. I just laid and bed and contemplated going out to our third floor balcony and telling her nobody wanted to listen to her tearful sobbing. I'm sure it seemed like her world was tearing itself apart, but from the guilty admittance about her drunk nature a few days ago, she wasn't a completely innocent victim in the story.
I think that's what's been bothering me lately, the string of abusive people in my life was something I could no longer blame for my nature. I couldn't pretend to hide behind the label of victim, I couldn't make myself out to be a victim anymore--especially if I wanted to respect myself.
Sometimes relationships break you, and sometimes they show you you're broken-and you're cowering in the corner trying to cover up all the bad parts like an awkward locker room scene from a teen flick. So broken-you're ashamed and so angry you could fly right out of your skin.
The sad thing about life is you're born alone, and you die alone. Oh sure you'll be lucky and blessed to have people around for both occasions but even if they're there, they can't really be there. That gaping part inside of you that you keep trying to fill with people, things, events, but it mockingly widens a hungry mouth of realization that it will never be filled because you will always be alone. We-our society-can't seem to face that today, being alone, that's why we fill it with thoughts, activity, people to chase it away, it goes slowly and reluctantly and returns laughing mockingly.
So you could leave mentally but you'll always have to return. Because it's our nature to want to be with others, and being with others is having to face a mirror with a army full of spotlights. Naked and exposing your every pore with no screen to hide behind (although most do-a screen built of thick stubborn ignorance). I am lucky to be with David. He makes me face my helplessness, my nature, my beliefs about gender roles, the way I treat others, the power and control cycle of relationships-and the way I keep trying to bring it about even though I know it's not something I want existing between us, the petty ways I hurt him, re-examine comments that didn't at first seem harmful but carried a nasty undertone, my passive aggressive nature of getting back at others when I'm hurt, my vicious vengeance, the quick trigger I have towards annoyance-and how I easily lash out at others-making them my target, how I don't like listening to others, how I easily believe people to be "bad" or "good" and don't take both features in consideration, how I take people for granted, how I don't like relying on others even if I'm suffering. People don't like themselves when they face something like that, I don't.
But I'm grateful for it.
Some people like to walk through life trying to pretend that the problems around them is just a vengeful nature of a god, as I like to say to David "God hates Asians!" and some people take responsibility for their actions. I'd like to believe I'm in the middle, battling for the latter rather than falling in the unresisting, seductive former. I'd like to believe that because I'd like to be proud of myself in the future.
I'd like to be able to be calm and loving with the people I love. I'd like to tease them with the security of the knowledge that what I'd say won't hurt, and the assurance that I do love them. I'd like to be grateful for every second I spend with those I love, never taking the fragile sanctity of life for granted. I'd like to be able to talk about my feelings freely without trying to manipulate the other in some way shape or form. I'd like to feel connected to the suffering of humans-sometimes apathy and selfishness stains my every step-is it the nature of our desensitized society?
My current awareness of my nature is a very tiny step towards that proud and serene woman. I have to make a conscious effort to examine the motivations behind my actions, and how my actions can be misconstrued. It's hard, and I'm hoping..I'm hoping I can get there one day. I hope I can come to like myself. Oh and fall asleep for the next hour and a half before I have to go into work...grr.
What woke me up was the tearful reconciliation and accusation of one of my neighbors with her boyfriend? something about being stuck at home. I just laid and bed and contemplated going out to our third floor balcony and telling her nobody wanted to listen to her tearful sobbing. I'm sure it seemed like her world was tearing itself apart, but from the guilty admittance about her drunk nature a few days ago, she wasn't a completely innocent victim in the story.
I think that's what's been bothering me lately, the string of abusive people in my life was something I could no longer blame for my nature. I couldn't pretend to hide behind the label of victim, I couldn't make myself out to be a victim anymore--especially if I wanted to respect myself.
Sometimes relationships break you, and sometimes they show you you're broken-and you're cowering in the corner trying to cover up all the bad parts like an awkward locker room scene from a teen flick. So broken-you're ashamed and so angry you could fly right out of your skin.
The sad thing about life is you're born alone, and you die alone. Oh sure you'll be lucky and blessed to have people around for both occasions but even if they're there, they can't really be there. That gaping part inside of you that you keep trying to fill with people, things, events, but it mockingly widens a hungry mouth of realization that it will never be filled because you will always be alone. We-our society-can't seem to face that today, being alone, that's why we fill it with thoughts, activity, people to chase it away, it goes slowly and reluctantly and returns laughing mockingly.
So you could leave mentally but you'll always have to return. Because it's our nature to want to be with others, and being with others is having to face a mirror with a army full of spotlights. Naked and exposing your every pore with no screen to hide behind (although most do-a screen built of thick stubborn ignorance). I am lucky to be with David. He makes me face my helplessness, my nature, my beliefs about gender roles, the way I treat others, the power and control cycle of relationships-and the way I keep trying to bring it about even though I know it's not something I want existing between us, the petty ways I hurt him, re-examine comments that didn't at first seem harmful but carried a nasty undertone, my passive aggressive nature of getting back at others when I'm hurt, my vicious vengeance, the quick trigger I have towards annoyance-and how I easily lash out at others-making them my target, how I don't like listening to others, how I easily believe people to be "bad" or "good" and don't take both features in consideration, how I take people for granted, how I don't like relying on others even if I'm suffering. People don't like themselves when they face something like that, I don't.
But I'm grateful for it.
Some people like to walk through life trying to pretend that the problems around them is just a vengeful nature of a god, as I like to say to David "God hates Asians!" and some people take responsibility for their actions. I'd like to believe I'm in the middle, battling for the latter rather than falling in the unresisting, seductive former. I'd like to believe that because I'd like to be proud of myself in the future.
I'd like to be able to be calm and loving with the people I love. I'd like to tease them with the security of the knowledge that what I'd say won't hurt, and the assurance that I do love them. I'd like to be grateful for every second I spend with those I love, never taking the fragile sanctity of life for granted. I'd like to be able to talk about my feelings freely without trying to manipulate the other in some way shape or form. I'd like to feel connected to the suffering of humans-sometimes apathy and selfishness stains my every step-is it the nature of our desensitized society?
My current awareness of my nature is a very tiny step towards that proud and serene woman. I have to make a conscious effort to examine the motivations behind my actions, and how my actions can be misconstrued. It's hard, and I'm hoping..I'm hoping I can get there one day. I hope I can come to like myself. Oh and fall asleep for the next hour and a half before I have to go into work...grr.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Catch up.
Finally came back to this site. I have like 7 blogs. Most are invisible to you, the visitor. Some of them were projects long dead, unused, and yet I can't part with them. It's strange to look back at what you've written and wonder "Is that really me?"
I read a short story I wrote, I liked the writing, but the author (me) was much to vague and too caught up in painting a pretty picture. It's good to have this much honestly, I think that time has helped in allowing me to detach from my piece of work.
I say that I can accept hard criticism, but boy is it hard to swallow it down without being defensive. Like recently, I applied for a Summer Research Experience for Undergraduate and my personal statement really ... was not good (MB said it was so, and I respect her writing abilities). That really cut holes in my confidence. I mean, I can make excuses for it, such as "I'm not familiar with writing this kind of formal paper". But truth is, I need practice.
Thus my return. But I want to use this site as more of a exercise rather than whining about this. >.>
Which btw if you're wondering. My life is going good. All my minor problems are like a different colored brush stroke on a canvas, layered over and over upon each other, to the point where the only color I can see is brown. It's a slow buzzing bother that I've been to busy with other things to notice.
If I could make a wish right now, it wouldn't to be instantly happy, but to be given the environment and skills to find my happiness. I feel like I'm in a foggy room just waiting for everything to clear, but it wont't happen. There's too many expectations and I'm just too tired to fight against them to gain the clarity of joy anymore.
I know Im sick, not physically but mentally and spiritually. I lack the empathy for a fellow friend, and just want to be left alone to sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself away in a coma, it would make life so simple.
But I've got bills to pay, night shifts to work, assignments due, life to live.
... sometimes I wonder how people are able to drag themselves out of their addictions, it seems so easy and tempting to just drown in them and worry about no one but one's self and the next high.
Not that I get high. I'm much to responsible for that. Plus I don't want to put people I love through that, nor do I want a chained life like that. Freedom comes at a high cost, at the lowest point all one can do is hope that it means something, and at the highest, it's like breathing for the first time.
K, time for homework now. Bah. lol.
I read a short story I wrote, I liked the writing, but the author (me) was much to vague and too caught up in painting a pretty picture. It's good to have this much honestly, I think that time has helped in allowing me to detach from my piece of work.
I say that I can accept hard criticism, but boy is it hard to swallow it down without being defensive. Like recently, I applied for a Summer Research Experience for Undergraduate and my personal statement really ... was not good (MB said it was so, and I respect her writing abilities). That really cut holes in my confidence. I mean, I can make excuses for it, such as "I'm not familiar with writing this kind of formal paper". But truth is, I need practice.
Thus my return. But I want to use this site as more of a exercise rather than whining about this. >.>
Which btw if you're wondering. My life is going good. All my minor problems are like a different colored brush stroke on a canvas, layered over and over upon each other, to the point where the only color I can see is brown. It's a slow buzzing bother that I've been to busy with other things to notice.
If I could make a wish right now, it wouldn't to be instantly happy, but to be given the environment and skills to find my happiness. I feel like I'm in a foggy room just waiting for everything to clear, but it wont't happen. There's too many expectations and I'm just too tired to fight against them to gain the clarity of joy anymore.
I know Im sick, not physically but mentally and spiritually. I lack the empathy for a fellow friend, and just want to be left alone to sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself away in a coma, it would make life so simple.
But I've got bills to pay, night shifts to work, assignments due, life to live.
... sometimes I wonder how people are able to drag themselves out of their addictions, it seems so easy and tempting to just drown in them and worry about no one but one's self and the next high.
Not that I get high. I'm much to responsible for that. Plus I don't want to put people I love through that, nor do I want a chained life like that. Freedom comes at a high cost, at the lowest point all one can do is hope that it means something, and at the highest, it's like breathing for the first time.
K, time for homework now. Bah. lol.
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