Hurting Love?

So... I know it's immature, but I've taken to replacing love with the word fuck, especially in regards to the boyfriend. ex: I fuck you!

I know that fuck has a negative connotation. The complete opposite meaning of love.

...I just, maybe I have a tendency to push the people I love, to see if they still love me. It goes back to something one of my teachers said about at risk teenagers. You get to know them, develop a healthy mentor mentee relationship and then they start pushing, they start pushing your trust, your dependability because they don't believe you'll be there. I can't help it, from all the stuff I've learned about human development--it's reasonable behavior (testing others, being clingy) when I was raised in an environment where there were no blatant expression of love, no reassuring touches, a father that was gone most of the time, and a mother that was busy.

I know that I shouldn't say this to him, and I know that it hurts him, but sometimes I feel like I need to, because it's the only reaction I'll get out of him. I know, very similar to the child that strikes out for attention...but how can I fix it?

I think honestly, deeply, I get hurt when I feel like he doesn't care about me (such as asking me not to call him today because he's gonna go play video games with his friends) so I try to hurt him back. Perhaps I should tell him it hurts when he says things like he doesn't miss me.

I was going to not call him for a few days, we've been talking everyday since I'm out here. My motivation was because he has been working and not getting a lot of time off (even though I have been as well) and I thought perhaps he just needs some time off from me. Underlying reasons are: maybe he'll miss me, maybe he'll wonder why I haven't called. Will he take the initiative and call me? Perhaps it'll give me time to be okay with being alone.

Because he rarely does-call me that is. I guess it's because he forgets. He actually said to me once, that if he didn't have a girlfriend he would be okay with that. If I admit it to myself honestly, that hurts. But I also understand that he needs to prove to himself he is a very independent person. Perhaps it's naive to assume that--perhaps he really is okay if he wasn't in a relationship for me. I know that if we did break up he would just move on. I'd be the one who'll cry for us.

But then once I said to him, "see, I don't need you after all". He acted a bit hurt. Said something about it being nice to be needed. Why doesn't he also understand that's how I feel too?

I also realized today-- that without me, our relationship wouldn't exist. Because of my clingy nature and my determination to make it work, my willingness to negotiate we would not be together today. It was almost like a shift in power. Like before I deferred to him, but now I realize we are equals, I have just as much if not more value in this relationship as he does. It almost makes me feel secure, like in the future if I don't like something I can say no without the fear of him leaving me.

Another thing--he keeps telling me I'm clingy and says it's okay he loves me anyways. and then say something like you need to be more independent. Although he says he wants me to change, if I will I don't think he'll love me anymore, because I wouldn't be the one that he fell in love with. I said to him, lets see-stay the same and be in a relationship with you, or change and be okay with being independent(why do I associate independence with being single? Perhaps I don't believe one can be independent in a relationship--that you always have to negotiate, but what if I didn't have to? What if it was okay for me to be okay with me being me in a relationship?). He expressed some fear that if I changed I wouldn't be the same person and he anticipates that he won't love me anymore. I guess I'm saying, sometimes I wish he would just say... I honestly love you just the way you are, and I know I say things like this but without you being you, we wouldn't be together.

maybe he just doesn't realize it. Also I'm not saying that I don't need to change. I know I do, but not because of him, because after him I still want to be able to know that I can stand on my own. Perhaps I ought to stop depending on him so much--but that feels like a betrayal. I feel like if I emotionally divvy up myself within my friends I could easily drift away from him. I feel like I ought to be this way--because no other way would work. (now is this my personality? I know I tend to focus on certain people in my life...or is it because I don't have confidence in my ability to be faithful? Or is it an ingrained belief that lovers should first be deeply friends and thus share themselves full with each other? I know that one thing I love about being with him is the ability to be myself, although admittedly I do do somethings I kinda really don't want to) I don't know where this fear came from, but if he was reading this he'd try to reassure me. But how can you get rid of these ingrained phobias. because they really are phobias--I fear, and reasoning it out wont help.

Also I realize I shouldn't be upset with him just wanting to hang out with his friends... I think again it's the fear that if he has other people, I won't be as important in his life. I realize now that's the core issue. I said a long time ago, that I won't be second place in a mans life. I am in his, perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't work out--I can never know. But I realize now...I need to let him go and establish relationships with other people, friends because he needs to, wants to. I need to stop being afraid of them realizing that perhaps there's someone better out there. If he finds her, then it'll hurt like hell and wasn't meant to be..but fuck, no way am I going to be hopeful, it'll hurt like hell.

sorry I haven't posted in a while.

Hey guys... D:

Yeah I think I failed the 365 days habit. I sorry. Not an excuse but there's a lot of things to do here, and I'm so tired. Especially recently.

Last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am. I was working on my presentation of my research project... what happened was I gave up around 3am with my old research project... and then in the course of 2 hours I found a new one and progressed further in that than my previous study.

I'm gonna study people who larp. :3

When I presented it everyone was quite pumped... lol I think it was because I was quite pumped.

oh it was so nice to work out... I've been trying to work out and read at the same time so I get some exercise in. Funny thing is I read faster when I work out...lol I actually think I want to get done exercising quicker so I read faster.

How are you guys doing with the losing weight?

Sadly I've gained some since I've got here, but I've been feeing a lot better because I've been eating a lot of healthy food. (not nuked) Their produce here is quite cheap although the taxes are a little higher than WI.

I'll try to write more--I forgot how much this helps. Btw like the new design? Gonna write a personal emo entry and then I'll check your blogs out. btw Noodles--what blog do you update?

Landing in Texas.

So, I was so very excited when I got the acceptance call. But ever since officially quitting my job, I've been feeling very nervous and homesick (even though I was at home). Someone once said to me that he was afraid of being forgotten--he was gone for a week but during that time I wrote a email to him everyday.

I guess that might have been some of my fear.

The reason why I wanted to go to Texas and fully experience this opportunity is because it would the first true act of my independence, the final cut in the umbilical cord. I wanted to prove that I could be by myself, but I guess I never realized how lonely being by myself is. As I told David--while sitting in the car waiting for the van to pick me up and take me to the Twin Cities airport---It's like I'm all alone again. I told him it was like we were breaking up, the bluntly honest jerk agreed. I was scared everyone would forget me and he just confirmed it. But he made up for it in hugs.

Right now I'm sitting in my dorm, waiting for AT-Andy to get off work so we can meet and get dinner. I've tided over with some cookies and cheetos I bought from the supermarket down the road--unfortunately they didn't carry a pillow so I'll be pillowless for a bit. Why is it that something as simple as a pillow further emphasizes how far I am from home? TT_TT