There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I had a debate with a friend about this once, and I still think I'm right. There is a difference and life has taught me that I am right. Being alone is a feeling of rejoicing with your own company, being lonely is wanting to be with someone but yourself. It's the inability to face yourself and thus you look to others to distract you, you listen to music, you watch tv, anything but sitting and just being you.
I wonder if we take technology out of society will society go through withdrawal? It'll be an interesting experiment. Because I think technology disconnect us with ourselves and we focus too much on others.
I'm learning that I like being alone so long as I enjoy and feel gratified towards the little things in life, like the ache of a muscle well used, or the joyful turn of words, wet water budding on my skin, the soft feel of a shirt, the feeling of cleanliness, wet hair on a pillow, the velvetness of my body pillow, the caress of blankets, a smile and the strain of muscle, a breath. It's the small things in life that counts--as someone once told me--because they never change.
Someone important to me, someone whom I took their word for everything, but I've been developing my intelligence boundary. Which basically means the ability to be myself without allowing others thoughts or opinions of affect me. Of course that doesn't mean I no longer accept things, I do, after examining it against what I know.
Good night now, it's time for me to be alone---I find I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Not being.
Not being with David has allowed me time to think, perhaps love is fleeting. I'm not saying that I no longer love him, the need for him just doesn't burn as much as it used to, and I'm glad because it's certainly burnt it's way through my rational thinking.
A thought came to me today that the way I have behaved is unhealthy, and that when these two weeks are up we're going to have to talk about our boundaries and expectations of each other, and be firm in them. And if we can't be what the other needs, then perhaps it's best not to be. I wonder if this resolution and strength will help me through the actual application of. I hope so, but at the same time, I hope not.
I think it's important to be free. I think we both understand this now, but also I have rights as well. And I need to respect those rights and if he can't then, it's best to be free. Love will come again. It will hurt and may take a while, but it'll come again. Like I said I'll survive. I think I'm holding on because I think he's the only person that can give me what I need, but he's not. Sad, but true.
A thought came to me today that the way I have behaved is unhealthy, and that when these two weeks are up we're going to have to talk about our boundaries and expectations of each other, and be firm in them. And if we can't be what the other needs, then perhaps it's best not to be. I wonder if this resolution and strength will help me through the actual application of. I hope so, but at the same time, I hope not.
I think it's important to be free. I think we both understand this now, but also I have rights as well. And I need to respect those rights and if he can't then, it's best to be free. Love will come again. It will hurt and may take a while, but it'll come again. Like I said I'll survive. I think I'm holding on because I think he's the only person that can give me what I need, but he's not. Sad, but true.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Spoke too soon.
Seems I spoke to soon, because after I received a call with not so good news about rent. But it worked out, my heroic roommate dash to the rescue with her incredibly awesome assertive skills. phew. I'm glad she spoke, otherwise I would be mowed over like yesterday's weeds. We've got it all figured out which means less finacial issues for me, or more? Meh. I need to get a job that hires me quick. Real quick. I mean I have a job yet, but I've yet to be officially hired. =-=" hai, it's frustrating.
But I'm not letting this ruin my day. ^__^
I'm not going to let my smile fade because you happen to have the characteristics of a gargoyle. :P
But I'm not letting this ruin my day. ^__^
I'm not going to let my smile fade because you happen to have the characteristics of a gargoyle. :P
Today is a wonderful day!
I just got done with my first final of the week, and I think I did well. :D But I'm just feeling a sense of gratitude for everything, perhaps the lil morning prayer of gratitude helps. I mean I realize Im not going to feel this euphoric everyday but today is a great day. And I will spend this great day not worrying, and playing Castlevania. :D selfish me. :P
Self.
So, instead of spending the weekend studying or reading up on self awareness I finally beat a video game. Granted it was Castlevania, Aria of Sorrows, and granted I beat it easily but without the right "powers", but I still beat it! WITHOUT a walkthrough too so! *sniffs pompously* :P heh.
But I am going to go over it again with the right powers of the giant bat, succubus, and flame demon/devil. :D and then I can continue playing. Yay. :D
But instead of chastening myself at this moment for "wasting" that time, I'm just going to be proud of myself. And forgive, because granted that may not be the best way to spend the weekend before finals, but it was fun.
Also, I realize that obsession are unhealthy for me. I think I may have scared my little brother with my incredibly snarly attitude. It makes me quite ashamed to have behaved in that way. And I realize that self awareness isn't going to happen unless I take responsibilities for my actions. Because I certainly didn't do that this weekend. And this is something I have to be forgiving about as well.
Forgiveness used to scare me because if I was forgiven, then I felt that as long as that happened I could just go about doing the wrong thing all the time, if at the end everything was going to be forgiven. But I realize this year how important forgiveness is for love to thrive. Okay, finals time. Wish me luck. :D
But I am going to go over it again with the right powers of the giant bat, succubus, and flame demon/devil. :D and then I can continue playing. Yay. :D
But instead of chastening myself at this moment for "wasting" that time, I'm just going to be proud of myself. And forgive, because granted that may not be the best way to spend the weekend before finals, but it was fun.
Also, I realize that obsession are unhealthy for me. I think I may have scared my little brother with my incredibly snarly attitude. It makes me quite ashamed to have behaved in that way. And I realize that self awareness isn't going to happen unless I take responsibilities for my actions. Because I certainly didn't do that this weekend. And this is something I have to be forgiving about as well.
Forgiveness used to scare me because if I was forgiven, then I felt that as long as that happened I could just go about doing the wrong thing all the time, if at the end everything was going to be forgiven. But I realize this year how important forgiveness is for love to thrive. Okay, finals time. Wish me luck. :D
Friday, May 8, 2009
David.
I'm learning to deal more with this separateness. Of course I realized that this separateness is something that has and will always exist, but as the relationship proceeded, I felt more and more connected and dependent and the understanding that the separateness existed was dampened with my voice of permanence. When I speak of separateness---I meant the fact that I am and always will be alone even with others, and that togetherness comes in brief spurts and is never permanent.
And then, what is the fear of human beings in which we do not like the thought of being alone. Why do we seek relationships and do we do so to be less alone, perhaps to reconfirm the belief that we need others? And yet so often we, or perhaps I mean I, find it hard, and perhaps even a weakness to need others? But we are so connected.
Society raises us to conform and yet to be unique in that conformity. How ironic. I've been raised to be independent and yet dependent, although not healthily so. Irony once again. Contradictions, yet another part of life.
Perhaps what I am suffering from is not the separateness but the idea that it will always be. Then what I fear is the truth, and I seem to not want to accept it as such because lies are always safer. Believing that I will never be alone makes me feel a lot better. And then maybe that is why we seek a higher power than us, something we cannot understand because this is more reassuring than understanding. Because the lies are easier to hold on to the staring into the face of truth.
I meant to talk about David, and how it's strange to be apart and not despise each other but still love him, still have him disturb my thoughts with memories of what we had. How hard and easy it is not to push them away but remember, and enjoy. It's harder because it's hard to reject love, it's harder because I don't want to feel what he made me feel because this may not be how I feel later. Easy because these are good memories, in a good light and I can't make it bad.
I'm scared that this distance will close us off from each other, more than that I'm scared that he might not need me, and I realize now that he never did, he just liked being with me, it was never something I did to make him stay, it was because he wanted to and perhaps I gave him a reason not to, and that is why we are not together right now and I understand that it is for the best that we are not. because the reason is me, I'm not ready to be in one, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I realize these are the same fear that did not allow him to be him when he was us. I'm learning to accept that perhaps it was my inability to be with myself that may have pushed us away, because I just wanted to be us. And that is why I am working at being happy with me. For him and for myself. Perhaps it's for all the wrong reasons. But they're the only reasons I have thus far.
I can't make people stay, and if I try, it'll hurt us both. I'll just have to be me.
And then, what is the fear of human beings in which we do not like the thought of being alone. Why do we seek relationships and do we do so to be less alone, perhaps to reconfirm the belief that we need others? And yet so often we, or perhaps I mean I, find it hard, and perhaps even a weakness to need others? But we are so connected.
Society raises us to conform and yet to be unique in that conformity. How ironic. I've been raised to be independent and yet dependent, although not healthily so. Irony once again. Contradictions, yet another part of life.
Perhaps what I am suffering from is not the separateness but the idea that it will always be. Then what I fear is the truth, and I seem to not want to accept it as such because lies are always safer. Believing that I will never be alone makes me feel a lot better. And then maybe that is why we seek a higher power than us, something we cannot understand because this is more reassuring than understanding. Because the lies are easier to hold on to the staring into the face of truth.
I meant to talk about David, and how it's strange to be apart and not despise each other but still love him, still have him disturb my thoughts with memories of what we had. How hard and easy it is not to push them away but remember, and enjoy. It's harder because it's hard to reject love, it's harder because I don't want to feel what he made me feel because this may not be how I feel later. Easy because these are good memories, in a good light and I can't make it bad.
I'm scared that this distance will close us off from each other, more than that I'm scared that he might not need me, and I realize now that he never did, he just liked being with me, it was never something I did to make him stay, it was because he wanted to and perhaps I gave him a reason not to, and that is why we are not together right now and I understand that it is for the best that we are not. because the reason is me, I'm not ready to be in one, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I realize these are the same fear that did not allow him to be him when he was us. I'm learning to accept that perhaps it was my inability to be with myself that may have pushed us away, because I just wanted to be us. And that is why I am working at being happy with me. For him and for myself. Perhaps it's for all the wrong reasons. But they're the only reasons I have thus far.
I can't make people stay, and if I try, it'll hurt us both. I'll just have to be me.
Meditation
I tried meditating for the last twenty minutes. Yesterday it was ten, and when I tried again for more time, I fell asleep, that's because I was laying down. When will I learn? heh.
So it was harder today, as it can be. But it was hard because, I found myself to be very unforgiving and determined. Meditation became a fine line of control, and power. I've always thought it was a sort of watching, watching myself breathe. And when I tried controlling the breaths, perhaps it was easier, but now I've been just trying to be the observer. Yet I wasn't able to distance myself from my thoughts. I was too enmeshed with the determination to reach that moment in which awareness thrives. I can feel my awareness growing. Like yesterday when I was only focused on my breathing, there was a nice pause in which I realized the position of my clasped hands, and my crossed legs, an awareness of my body. A thought came to me today, a thought that all my actions should have purpose, and I had to forgive myself for thinking this way. Because these thoughts lead to criticism, and never being enough, it leads to hate and self despise. Another one: why am I determined to kill my free will by making them requirements? Because I fear that if I don't put limitations on it, i will not do it. It's true, but I think what is most important is finding a balance in between the must do, and the want to do so.
As I realize it will be hard to find the balance between those, it will be even harder to find the balance between control and power. There were moments when I was thinking "inhale" that I was wondering if by saying so, I was controlling it, or if I was just observing. And then when I thought I was close to observing, I felt and perhaps acted on the urge to inhale deeper, or exhale deeper.
Perhaps there are moments in which I must control and moments in which I must let go. for example, today was a hard day to focus---perhaps if I counted my breaths or how long I inhaled and exhaled---it may have helped. While other days with a clear mind, i just might observe. I also realize that the more unfocused I am the less forgiving and I need to be more forgiving, more accepting. Meditation is a moment in which I spend with myself, a moment of love, and to love, I need to be more forgiving.
So it was harder today, as it can be. But it was hard because, I found myself to be very unforgiving and determined. Meditation became a fine line of control, and power. I've always thought it was a sort of watching, watching myself breathe. And when I tried controlling the breaths, perhaps it was easier, but now I've been just trying to be the observer. Yet I wasn't able to distance myself from my thoughts. I was too enmeshed with the determination to reach that moment in which awareness thrives. I can feel my awareness growing. Like yesterday when I was only focused on my breathing, there was a nice pause in which I realized the position of my clasped hands, and my crossed legs, an awareness of my body. A thought came to me today, a thought that all my actions should have purpose, and I had to forgive myself for thinking this way. Because these thoughts lead to criticism, and never being enough, it leads to hate and self despise. Another one: why am I determined to kill my free will by making them requirements? Because I fear that if I don't put limitations on it, i will not do it. It's true, but I think what is most important is finding a balance in between the must do, and the want to do so.
As I realize it will be hard to find the balance between those, it will be even harder to find the balance between control and power. There were moments when I was thinking "inhale" that I was wondering if by saying so, I was controlling it, or if I was just observing. And then when I thought I was close to observing, I felt and perhaps acted on the urge to inhale deeper, or exhale deeper.
Perhaps there are moments in which I must control and moments in which I must let go. for example, today was a hard day to focus---perhaps if I counted my breaths or how long I inhaled and exhaled---it may have helped. While other days with a clear mind, i just might observe. I also realize that the more unfocused I am the less forgiving and I need to be more forgiving, more accepting. Meditation is a moment in which I spend with myself, a moment of love, and to love, I need to be more forgiving.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Crossing the Street.
Assertive is a personal goal that I've been trying to work on all semester. And as I was crossing the street today, I noticed that I was walking a little slower. I thought about my past experiences crossing the street, and how my friends have expressed to me (a common belief I hold as well) how guilty they feel crossing the street. But the rules are to yield to pedestrians. (and I admit sometimes I do and sometimes I don't) But I was just thinking unless I'm purposely trying to cross the street slowly to piss off other drivers, I should not feel guilty in having to cross the street. It's a right. And I think, no wonder we are a culture where assertiveness can be labeled as "bitchy."
I've always been taught that I have no control over other's attitude (to a certain degree) actually more specifically I've been told that I have control over my attitude and I can choose to react to a certain situation one way or another. Then why should I feel guilty if the driver is irritated at me and decides to express it with a honk? They are in control of their emotions, and if I'm purposely not trying to upset anyone, then it should not make me feel responsible, or in this case guilty. It is my right.
Perhaps I've atrophied this manner, but if it's something I've learned in the pass about personalities is that you can apply one small way in which people handle things to the way in which they live life. For example if one is the sort to get motivated about a certain subject study it, and then forgets about it, this may indicate that this person gets involved easily with a lot of passion in the beginning but it dies out.
Another thing I realized today was that love has no expectations and is accepting. It made me think, that perhaps to stop being so hard on myself and find a way to love myself is to stop having qualifications, simple acceptance and forgiveness. To have many expectations is to be disappointed as I find in my past relationship. Perhaps this is how I conduct my relationships with others---because that's how I conduct it with myself.
Interesting concept but I have class in two minutes.
I've always been taught that I have no control over other's attitude (to a certain degree) actually more specifically I've been told that I have control over my attitude and I can choose to react to a certain situation one way or another. Then why should I feel guilty if the driver is irritated at me and decides to express it with a honk? They are in control of their emotions, and if I'm purposely not trying to upset anyone, then it should not make me feel responsible, or in this case guilty. It is my right.
Perhaps I've atrophied this manner, but if it's something I've learned in the pass about personalities is that you can apply one small way in which people handle things to the way in which they live life. For example if one is the sort to get motivated about a certain subject study it, and then forgets about it, this may indicate that this person gets involved easily with a lot of passion in the beginning but it dies out.
Another thing I realized today was that love has no expectations and is accepting. It made me think, that perhaps to stop being so hard on myself and find a way to love myself is to stop having qualifications, simple acceptance and forgiveness. To have many expectations is to be disappointed as I find in my past relationship. Perhaps this is how I conduct my relationships with others---because that's how I conduct it with myself.
Interesting concept but I have class in two minutes.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Friends.
I know I have friends, and I'm learning to be more forgiving of myself when depending on them. Perhaps that's why I feel so betrayed with the people who I thought was dependable but no longer keep in contact with me, if you ever read this you'll know who you are. I'm not really happy with you, but I can live with your decisions and I hope you're happy. I'm just sad our friendship had to be sacrificed.
ANYWAYS I'm learning to be strong through asking for help. But when it gets dark like this, it's familiar to just ... fall back on old habits.
It hasn't hit me yet, perhaps because this break up is only a temporary thing/fix? And I expect things to go back to usual, but they can't anymore because I wasn't happy with it. And Kevin, if you're reading this, stop. I am stronger than I think, than you think, and words never fail me, not saying that you do, I'm just saying, I'm not asking you to help me get through this, I promised not to so stop reading please.
I don't need to be read to feel validated. I just need to write. It's my way of letting out all these pent up feelings in me. It's my release. People exercise, or talk to others, but that doesn't help me much. I'm sad, I'm hurt, and I'm trying to deal with this break up like I've never dealt with my feelings before. I'm being mindful, I'm noticing my feelings and validating them by noticing them. I'm hurt. I want to cry so I cry. I wish--for things that can't be. I'm fighting for the survival of who I am. I want you to tell me you love me---I know you do, words are nice, actions are better, but we don't speak that same language. I wish that would be enough. I'm selfish. I remember and it's nice but pangful. I question love, and if that was what we had, or I had. I don't want to change for you. I want to ... uncover myself. I am strong but I've been letting our relationship poison me. It's not your fault, it's just what I thought you wanted. Weird, preconceptions, misconceptions. I want things to be the same again but I know I won't be happy. I'm so torn. My happiness, or the safety of you. I do love you I think. I want you to be the best, I want you to stop with the savior complex. I hope you know if these doesn't work it's not your responsibility. I hope you know it was a great honor to know you. I say goodbye but I still hold on. I'm so torn. I told you I'll fight at the end of the two weeks for you, but I wonder if it's because I'm scared to be without you, scared to ever see that smirk on you face again, or scared of my regrets, scared that I'll never find someone who loved and understood me as much as you do. Heh, sometimes I hate how you're so understanding. I love those characteristics but I hate them so.. why do you have to be so righteous all the time. Cant you ever just let go? But that wouldnt be you. I love you. I love myself. I'm going to accept these enemies of mine, and work through them. I hope you'll wait for me.
You said relationships aren't logical. And logically ours wouldn't work if we got back together again because you can't be something I need. I'm hoping logical is something that relationships don't need to work.
I'm praying for the strength to be strong and focus on what I need to get done, for the strength to accept myself and the decision we made and will make, I'm praying for answers, and that I'm doing the right thing. I pray.
ANYWAYS I'm learning to be strong through asking for help. But when it gets dark like this, it's familiar to just ... fall back on old habits.
It hasn't hit me yet, perhaps because this break up is only a temporary thing/fix? And I expect things to go back to usual, but they can't anymore because I wasn't happy with it. And Kevin, if you're reading this, stop. I am stronger than I think, than you think, and words never fail me, not saying that you do, I'm just saying, I'm not asking you to help me get through this, I promised not to so stop reading please.
I don't need to be read to feel validated. I just need to write. It's my way of letting out all these pent up feelings in me. It's my release. People exercise, or talk to others, but that doesn't help me much. I'm sad, I'm hurt, and I'm trying to deal with this break up like I've never dealt with my feelings before. I'm being mindful, I'm noticing my feelings and validating them by noticing them. I'm hurt. I want to cry so I cry. I wish--for things that can't be. I'm fighting for the survival of who I am. I want you to tell me you love me---I know you do, words are nice, actions are better, but we don't speak that same language. I wish that would be enough. I'm selfish. I remember and it's nice but pangful. I question love, and if that was what we had, or I had. I don't want to change for you. I want to ... uncover myself. I am strong but I've been letting our relationship poison me. It's not your fault, it's just what I thought you wanted. Weird, preconceptions, misconceptions. I want things to be the same again but I know I won't be happy. I'm so torn. My happiness, or the safety of you. I do love you I think. I want you to be the best, I want you to stop with the savior complex. I hope you know if these doesn't work it's not your responsibility. I hope you know it was a great honor to know you. I say goodbye but I still hold on. I'm so torn. I told you I'll fight at the end of the two weeks for you, but I wonder if it's because I'm scared to be without you, scared to ever see that smirk on you face again, or scared of my regrets, scared that I'll never find someone who loved and understood me as much as you do. Heh, sometimes I hate how you're so understanding. I love those characteristics but I hate them so.. why do you have to be so righteous all the time. Cant you ever just let go? But that wouldnt be you. I love you. I love myself. I'm going to accept these enemies of mine, and work through them. I hope you'll wait for me.
You said relationships aren't logical. And logically ours wouldn't work if we got back together again because you can't be something I need. I'm hoping logical is something that relationships don't need to work.
I'm praying for the strength to be strong and focus on what I need to get done, for the strength to accept myself and the decision we made and will make, I'm praying for answers, and that I'm doing the right thing. I pray.
Today
I've been distracted by life, and now that it's finally clearing up with the loss of roles, or as I like to think the gaining of freedom, it's allowed me to simplify my life and think about the things that are important to me. I started this semester with a new career path. With plans to "seek my bliss". To find my happiness again, and for a while it lasted, but slowly became bogged down with these responsibilities and the distraction of living day to day. And I don't know when but my vision shifted to the future, with it's agitating uncertainties.
Living day to day, appreciating and having gratitude for another day, that was the basis of my bliss. But as I'm nearing graduation, I'm thinking about the future. I'm thinking about friendship and what that means. I'm thinking about relationships and roles that one has. I'm thinking about me, and who I am, and if I've ever lost that person and how I can hold on the essence that is me.
Now I'm struggling to come to terms with what was a way of life, and how I lived it. To be blunt, I've found that the relationship I'm in isn't what I thought it was. And it's hard to try to redefine it so that it fits me, I don't know if I can, or if I want to. I don't know if I could change or if I want to, and maybe the pain is something I'll just have to come to deal with. Because there is pain, and uncertainty and hurt, and stubbornness to give it one more try, I'm just scared it'll end up hurting more than helping. But for love, perhaps the initial pain might be worth it because I don't want regret. But now, I need to worry about me, I need to take care of me, I need to re-access how I am choosing to live life, so that I could never ever lose myself in it again.
I'm hoping and praying for help, because I've tried looking for the answers in myself and they haven't been as satisfying. Goddess give me strength.
Living day to day, appreciating and having gratitude for another day, that was the basis of my bliss. But as I'm nearing graduation, I'm thinking about the future. I'm thinking about friendship and what that means. I'm thinking about relationships and roles that one has. I'm thinking about me, and who I am, and if I've ever lost that person and how I can hold on the essence that is me.
Now I'm struggling to come to terms with what was a way of life, and how I lived it. To be blunt, I've found that the relationship I'm in isn't what I thought it was. And it's hard to try to redefine it so that it fits me, I don't know if I can, or if I want to. I don't know if I could change or if I want to, and maybe the pain is something I'll just have to come to deal with. Because there is pain, and uncertainty and hurt, and stubbornness to give it one more try, I'm just scared it'll end up hurting more than helping. But for love, perhaps the initial pain might be worth it because I don't want regret. But now, I need to worry about me, I need to take care of me, I need to re-access how I am choosing to live life, so that I could never ever lose myself in it again.
I'm hoping and praying for help, because I've tried looking for the answers in myself and they haven't been as satisfying. Goddess give me strength.
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