I've felt uneasy these last few weeks, at first I thought I needed the freedom my apartment would supply, and then I thought I needed to surround myself with people I love, and then it was the need for another job. But I think I've come to the realization it's not any of those things, that this itching, getting rid of this irritation would be as easy as actually shedding my skin. Basically not at all, I feel the abrasiveness between what I want and what is, what I need, and what must be. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like there's a constant worry that has manifested itself underneath my skin, and it's hurting me, the urge to scratch and pick at it is irresistible, and I feel like it's slowing poisoning my system, churning this helplessness, powerlessness, and worry into hate. I find it harder and harder to forgive myself, and so I'm turning that hate outside effecting my life and my ability for compassion.
Today I took a walk, and exercised for the first time this week, and now I'm drinking mountain dew, it's hard not to criticize myself for this diet, but I must not, and I must forgive. Apparently mountain dew is a necessary evil if I want to stay up. Maybe, all I know is that I'm staying up.
I know that forever is never, and that I must be with myself before being able to seek the company of others, I was doing so well this afternoon too, just lingering in the pool of sensual skin and sleep. But my worries, this fear has kept me up, awaken me before I was ready, I've got bags underneath my eyes, and I imagine myself being held because I seek that comfort that only safety can give you, and I'm so scared all the time, I feel like I'm in constant fear. My nerves are always at their highest awareness and that is why I think I am tired all the time, perhaps I'm going through minor depression too. I'm sick of not being able to process my emotions and keeping them in all the time. I think that's why I feel so itchy, because I've realized in the past month, I haven't had much of a chance to be with myself, to just be, and talk, and figure things out. I realize that I need to do that more, perhaps this is what they mean but meditation.
Goddess give me strength.
