David.

I'm learning to deal more with this separateness. Of course I realized that this separateness is something that has and will always exist, but as the relationship proceeded, I felt more and more connected and dependent and the understanding that the separateness existed was dampened with my voice of permanence. When I speak of separateness---I meant the fact that I am and always will be alone even with others, and that togetherness comes in brief spurts and is never permanent.

And then, what is the fear of human beings in which we do not like the thought of being alone. Why do we seek relationships and do we do so to be less alone, perhaps to reconfirm the belief that we need others? And yet so often we, or perhaps I mean I, find it hard, and perhaps even a weakness to need others? But we are so connected.

Society raises us to conform and yet to be unique in that conformity. How ironic. I've been raised to be independent and yet dependent, although not healthily so. Irony once again. Contradictions, yet another part of life.

Perhaps what I am suffering from is not the separateness but the idea that it will always be. Then what I fear is the truth, and I seem to not want to accept it as such because lies are always safer. Believing that I will never be alone makes me feel a lot better. And then maybe that is why we seek a higher power than us, something we cannot understand because this is more reassuring than understanding. Because the lies are easier to hold on to the staring into the face of truth.

I meant to talk about David, and how it's strange to be apart and not despise each other but still love him, still have him disturb my thoughts with memories of what we had. How hard and easy it is not to push them away but remember, and enjoy. It's harder because it's hard to reject love, it's harder because I don't want to feel what he made me feel because this may not be how I feel later. Easy because these are good memories, in a good light and I can't make it bad.

I'm scared that this distance will close us off from each other, more than that I'm scared that he might not need me, and I realize now that he never did, he just liked being with me, it was never something I did to make him stay, it was because he wanted to and perhaps I gave him a reason not to, and that is why we are not together right now and I understand that it is for the best that we are not. because the reason is me, I'm not ready to be in one, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I realize these are the same fear that did not allow him to be him when he was us. I'm learning to accept that perhaps it was my inability to be with myself that may have pushed us away, because I just wanted to be us. And that is why I am working at being happy with me. For him and for myself. Perhaps it's for all the wrong reasons. But they're the only reasons I have thus far.

I can't make people stay, and if I try, it'll hurt us both. I'll just have to be me.