Today

I've been distracted by life, and now that it's finally clearing up with the loss of roles, or as I like to think the gaining of freedom, it's allowed me to simplify my life and think about the things that are important to me. I started this semester with a new career path. With plans to "seek my bliss". To find my happiness again, and for a while it lasted, but slowly became bogged down with these responsibilities and the distraction of living day to day. And I don't know when but my vision shifted to the future, with it's agitating uncertainties.

Living day to day, appreciating and having gratitude for another day, that was the basis of my bliss. But as I'm nearing graduation, I'm thinking about the future. I'm thinking about friendship and what that means. I'm thinking about relationships and roles that one has. I'm thinking about me, and who I am, and if I've ever lost that person and how I can hold on the essence that is me.

Now I'm struggling to come to terms with what was a way of life, and how I lived it. To be blunt, I've found that the relationship I'm in isn't what I thought it was. And it's hard to try to redefine it so that it fits me, I don't know if I can, or if I want to. I don't know if I could change or if I want to, and maybe the pain is something I'll just have to come to deal with. Because there is pain, and uncertainty and hurt, and stubbornness to give it one more try, I'm just scared it'll end up hurting more than helping. But for love, perhaps the initial pain might be worth it because I don't want regret. But now, I need to worry about me, I need to take care of me, I need to re-access how I am choosing to live life, so that I could never ever lose myself in it again.

I'm hoping and praying for help, because I've tried looking for the answers in myself and they haven't been as satisfying. Goddess give me strength.