Meditation

I tried meditating for the last twenty minutes. Yesterday it was ten, and when I tried again for more time, I fell asleep, that's because I was laying down. When will I learn? heh.

So it was harder today, as it can be. But it was hard because, I found myself to be very unforgiving and determined. Meditation became a fine line of control, and power. I've always thought it was a sort of watching, watching myself breathe. And when I tried controlling the breaths, perhaps it was easier, but now I've been just trying to be the observer. Yet I wasn't able to distance myself from my thoughts. I was too enmeshed with the determination to reach that moment in which awareness thrives. I can feel my awareness growing. Like yesterday when I was only focused on my breathing, there was a nice pause in which I realized the position of my clasped hands, and my crossed legs, an awareness of my body. A thought came to me today, a thought that all my actions should have purpose, and I had to forgive myself for thinking this way. Because these thoughts lead to criticism, and never being enough, it leads to hate and self despise. Another one: why am I determined to kill my free will by making them requirements? Because I fear that if I don't put limitations on it, i will not do it. It's true, but I think what is most important is finding a balance in between the must do, and the want to do so.

As I realize it will be hard to find the balance between those, it will be even harder to find the balance between control and power. There were moments when I was thinking "inhale" that I was wondering if by saying so, I was controlling it, or if I was just observing. And then when I thought I was close to observing, I felt and perhaps acted on the urge to inhale deeper, or exhale deeper.

Perhaps there are moments in which I must control and moments in which I must let go. for example, today was a hard day to focus---perhaps if I counted my breaths or how long I inhaled and exhaled---it may have helped. While other days with a clear mind, i just might observe. I also realize that the more unfocused I am the less forgiving and I need to be more forgiving, more accepting. Meditation is a moment in which I spend with myself, a moment of love, and to love, I need to be more forgiving.