Friends.

I know I have friends, and I'm learning to be more forgiving of myself when depending on them. Perhaps that's why I feel so betrayed with the people who I thought was dependable but no longer keep in contact with me, if you ever read this you'll know who you are. I'm not really happy with you, but I can live with your decisions and I hope you're happy. I'm just sad our friendship had to be sacrificed.

ANYWAYS I'm learning to be strong through asking for help. But when it gets dark like this, it's familiar to just ... fall back on old habits.

It hasn't hit me yet, perhaps because this break up is only a temporary thing/fix? And I expect things to go back to usual, but they can't anymore because I wasn't happy with it. And Kevin, if you're reading this, stop. I am stronger than I think, than you think, and words never fail me, not saying that you do, I'm just saying, I'm not asking you to help me get through this, I promised not to so stop reading please.

I don't need to be read to feel validated. I just need to write. It's my way of letting out all these pent up feelings in me. It's my release. People exercise, or talk to others, but that doesn't help me much. I'm sad, I'm hurt, and I'm trying to deal with this break up like I've never dealt with my feelings before. I'm being mindful, I'm noticing my feelings and validating them by noticing them. I'm hurt. I want to cry so I cry. I wish--for things that can't be. I'm fighting for the survival of who I am. I want you to tell me you love me---I know you do, words are nice, actions are better, but we don't speak that same language. I wish that would be enough. I'm selfish. I remember and it's nice but pangful. I question love, and if that was what we had, or I had. I don't want to change for you. I want to ... uncover myself. I am strong but I've been letting our relationship poison me. It's not your fault, it's just what I thought you wanted. Weird, preconceptions, misconceptions. I want things to be the same again but I know I won't be happy. I'm so torn. My happiness, or the safety of you. I do love you I think. I want you to be the best, I want you to stop with the savior complex. I hope you know if these doesn't work it's not your responsibility. I hope you know it was a great honor to know you. I say goodbye but I still hold on. I'm so torn. I told you I'll fight at the end of the two weeks for you, but I wonder if it's because I'm scared to be without you, scared to ever see that smirk on you face again, or scared of my regrets, scared that I'll never find someone who loved and understood me as much as you do. Heh, sometimes I hate how you're so understanding. I love those characteristics but I hate them so.. why do you have to be so righteous all the time. Cant you ever just let go? But that wouldnt be you. I love you. I love myself. I'm going to accept these enemies of mine, and work through them. I hope you'll wait for me.

You said relationships aren't logical. And logically ours wouldn't work if we got back together again because you can't be something I need. I'm hoping logical is something that relationships don't need to work.

I'm praying for the strength to be strong and focus on what I need to get done, for the strength to accept myself and the decision we made and will make, I'm praying for answers, and that I'm doing the right thing. I pray.